Moving ON mode switch busted....

When my Dad and my fiance's dad finally met in Manila 21 days before he passed away
Casa Armas Glorietta 2 Makati City February 2, 2009

How much I put myself in mere trickery that papa just went out of the country or somewhere and instantly decided to forget about us here in the Philippines -- my mixed feelings of grandeur denial and minimal acceptance just builds up

creeping and accumulating every inch of my being
consuming and piercing my dreaded soul

I just end up in tears...

I try to put on different kinds of masks --
strong masks, courageous ones, unaffected poker faces...
but, at the end of the day when I don't need to wear them anymore,
my knees weaken and I fall myself breaks down
and feel extremely cheated without any chance of recourse

river of emotions...
streams of memories and thoughts...
trafficked within me everything's cluttered and I don't see clarity --

I guess no formula is going to work with grieving.
That's the sad fact.
It is only when I will genuinely learn to accept and embrace that papa is gone.

Until that day beckons,
I still feel the pain
I still feel the surreality of things
I will never see him again
touch him again
feel him again
hear him again in this lifetime...

But, the voice within tells me to be still and accept --
"Thy will be done!"
and eventually shake these all off...
pick up the pieces and move on with my life --

with a head held high
a father remembered
and a cross to surrender...